We Pray.

We pray.

We pray in joy.
Thanksgiving. Laughter.
When You've set our feet on a high place
And bound our mangled hearts.

We pray in despair.
Pain. Tears.
When the valley seem too deep
And the mountain just too big.

We pray in anger.
Jealousy. Rage.
When someone else succeeds
And someone else gets the fame.

We pray in peace.
Quiet. Still.
When we feel You holding us
And carrying us in You hand.

We pray in fear.
Confused. Alone.
When the world has turned it's back
And we have no place to go.

We pray in disbelief.
Treachery. Doubt.
When You don't act on our time
And our circumstances don't change.

We pray in strength.
Bold. Confident.
When we know The Battle is won
And we are eternally victorious.

Tonight. We cry.
We cry "Abba, Father."
Come. Hear our plea.

Save us.
Change us
Break us.
Set us free.

You will hear.
Your Holy Ones are calling You near.
You are the Faithful One.
The One and Only.
Yahweh.
We Pray.

Broken Vows.

I am an unfaithful bride.
Bound to run away.
You are a relentless lover.
Bound to chase after me.

I've been breaking my vows.
Cheating.
Lying.
Hiding.
I've been taking refuge.
In lies from the Serpent.
Instead of Your truth.

Why.
Lies are comfortable.
Lies are safe.
Lies feel good.

And truth.
Lately truth has been hard.
Scary.
Different.

You are turning me upside down.
Everything I knew. Is changed.
You are getting to the core of me.
The deep. Dark parts.
The parts I hide. The things I'm ashamed of.
They are coming out.
You are pulling them out.
Refining me.

My vows. I continue to break.
To have. But I'm too stubborn.
To hold. But I fear Your nearness.
In sickness. I get angry.
In health. I'm never satisfied.
For richer. You have so much to give.
For poorer. I have nothing to offer.

I desire to be known.
But You already know me.
I long to be seen.
But You already see me. Inside and Out.
I cling to worthless self-images.
But You already made me. Fearfully and Wonderfully.

You knew. This whole time.
You knew.
Your wife would cheat. You wife would leave.
But You pursue me.
You are a faithful husband.

Flesh and Blood.

The punch hit as you slammed the door.
Your words, like stones, shattered my once strong heart.
Your stare, like fire, set aflame my once strong body.
You caught me off guard.
You brought me to my knees. Again.

I always wanted to impress you.
Win your friendship. Win your love.
I dreamed of having your life.
Your looks. Your friends. Your presence.
Girls wanted to be you. Boys wanted to have you.
And they were sure to tell me.

You had it all. And I tried to follow.
You sang. I sang. You danced. I danced. You sought God. I sought. You dated. I dated. You fell from God. I fell.

But I've found my way back.
Everyday since then I wonder.
Pray. Wait. Cry. For you.
I cry til it hurts. Til my chest is bound to burst. Til I can't breathe.

You wander. Lost. Broken. Miserable.
You told me that was how life went
You told me that I was to suffer the same fate.
To be Lost. Broken. Miserable.
You're wrong.

We are the Lord's children.
His daughters. His masterpieces.
And He has big plans for us.
Both of us.
All that you've done. And will do. Is covered by Christ.
He knows. And loves you dearly.

The truth is I never knew you.
Despite my desperate longing to.
The truth is you don't want to know me.
We are of the same flesh. And the same blood.
But that doesn't hold much weight. Nothing does these days.
These days I am one of His. One of God's beloved.

The Lord has taken my shame. He has taken my guilt.
But just so you know..
I'm sorry. For getting sick. For splitting the family. For almost dying.
I'm sorry. For getting attention. For being distant. For seeming care-free.
I'm sorry. For what I said. For what I did. For what I forgot.
I'm sorry for hurting you. And for hating you. And for trying to out-do you.

I love you. More than you can imagine

Cold Air.

Conviction like cold air struck me. It caught me defenseless. With my guard down.
I couldn't fight. Shouldn't fight. Can't fight.

Today. God spoke. And He made me hear. Despite my disregard. Lately I've been
Pharisaical. Hypocritical. Self-Righteous.

Deceived again. By the Serpent. But that's not who I am. Not who I'm called to be. I am
Beloved. Blameless. Behooved.

I know. I need to understand this. I breathe in one deep breath. This cold air is cleansing. Things are
Coherent. Illuminated. Tranquil.

The Tempter. He holds no power. Except that which I give to him. It's gone too far. Now I'm
Saying No. Fighting Back. Standing Firm.

Now. And forevermore. I am known by my Father. The one who created me. I'm His
Child. Treasure. Masterpiece.

Days Like Today.

Days like today
I cry out for help.
For direction. For peace.
I've been blindsided
By circumstances I can't change.

Days like today
I sit and listen.
A sign. A whisper.
I wait anxiously
To hear You call my name.

Days like today
I am completely alone.
Still. And quiet.
Contemplating life
And what my next step should be.

Days like today
I cling to the Cross.
Knuckles white. Eyes red.
I'm not letting go
No matter what this storm brings.

Days like today
I hold to Your promises.
Your Faithfulness. Your Love.
You will fill my mouth with laughter
And my lips with shouts of joy.

Love To The World.

I met a guy today. And he broke my heart. He was the epitome of the world. No hope. No joy. No love. Completely lost. It's his birthday next week. All he wants is money. That's where his excitement lies. Because he's not even really living. He doesn't know what true life is. He doesn't know his purpose. He longs to be an un-motivational speaker. Speaking his "truths" to the world.

"Life is horrible. It always will be. Sometimes it seems better. Like maybe things will turn around. But then it always gets worse. And if you can find enough strength to get to the end of the day... You can drink. Then life is great for the night. Until you wake up the next morning. You wake up somewhere you don't know. With someone you wish you weren't with. Or worse off, someone you don't know. And once you do know her. You wish you didn't. And then life's back to being horrible."

He claims his sister's death didn't effect him. He claims to be fine. But he's confused. And searching for love in all the wrong places. But he has no where else to look. He's hurt. And afraid. He just left a girl. He says she was crazy. All he wants is a "normal" girl. A beautiful girl. A girl who likes to be made fun of. A girl who doesn't mind him partying. A girl who approves of strip clubs. A girl who doesn't want to get emotionally attached yet. But who one day might.


Is this what the world lives for?
Is this love?
The same love that everyone seems to be waiting for?

"I've been waiting all my life
To finally find you
Just so I can push you away
And when youre crawlin over broken glass to get to me
That's when I'll let you stay"

"Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be
Holding hands with you when we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you"

"You should not be angry
If all she wants is your money
Oh, you should not be angry
'Cause all you want is her body
What has love become?"

Exactly. What has love become. The world is convinced that it's all about looks. And feelings. No matter how immoral. But that isn't true love. True love is from the Lord. True love is from above. True love is John 3:16. Christ knows us to our core. And He came to Earth for us. Taught us. Showed us the right way. Died for us. Raised from the dead so He could save us. Respects us. Cares for us. Accepts us with our fears and failures. Looks past our outward appearance. And loves us unconditionally. That is what our love here on Earth should look like. Not what we can get from the other person. Not what they can give us. It's what we can do for them. All while advancing the kingdom. That's true love.

That guy I met. He didn't get it. And true, biblical love seems crazy to him. Because the world's idea of love is completely upside down. And it breaks my heart. That isn't the meaning of life. That isn't the value of life. Life is about loving the Lord. Living for Him wholeheartly. The rest is up to Him.

He Will Be Enough.

The Lord is moving. Like a swift warrior. Ready for battle. He is ready for the fight. Although I feel unprepared. The Lord wants to be my shield. The Lord longs to be my support. So He has strategically taken crutches and comfort away from me. To prepare me for battle. In the blink of an eye. Everyone I turn to. Everything I hide behind. Gone. I'm left exposed. But that's how He wants me. That's how He'll use me. He is tired of me living with my heart hidden up my sleeve. Protected from the world. And everyone in it. That's not what's needed. He needs me open. Willing to be seen. He will make me move. Places I have never dreamed. Places I never wished. Places I fear. With new people. But He'll use me. Without a doubt. The Lord is faithful. He has promised. For He who has promised is faithful. And I've learned to trust the one who has promised.

The war has already began. He is calling us to the front line. A new battle. None is weary. None stumbles. None slumbers or sleeps. Not a waistband is loose. Not a sandal strap is broken. Our arrows are sharp. All our bows are bent. We are ready. To move with confidence. Love with passion. Serve with a humble heart. There is no turning back. There is no stopping. The Lord is with us. The Lord is preparing the way. We are already victorious. Because we are serving the Lord.

Whatever happens is for His Glory. I must die before this battle if I want to have any chance of winning. With my heart wide open, I must enter this battle vulnerable. Real. God's grace will cover me. He will be enough.

The Power Of Love.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." -John 3:16

"Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." -1 Peter1:8-9

"No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us." -1 John 4:12

God love us. There is no denying that. He loves us so much He sent his only son to take our place. Hanging on that tree. He bled and died for us. He knew it was going to happen. He allowed it to happen. Because He loves us. He is jealous for us. And wanted to win our hearts. From the start of time He has wanted to win us back from the depths of Hell. But He doesn't want to win us back just for the few short years of our lives. No. He is playing for keeps. For eternity. We will never perish. He loves us so much that He wanted to spend eternity with us. Somedays I don't like myself enough to spent forever with me. But He loves us completely. Flaws and all. And He wants to be with us forever. Not that's true love. And He asks us to love each other as He loves us. A tough standard to live up to. But worth the struggle.

Now. No one has seen God. But that really doesn't matter much. All that matters is love. If we love one another, God lives in us. His love is perfected in us. We can have God, wholly perfect and powerful, abiding in us. If only we love one another! What power the simple act of loving someone has. So simple. So easy. Yet so powerful. The love of Christ in us could truly change the world. And because we have God living in us we, of course, love Him with our whole hearts. Even though we can't see Him. And because we feel Him at work in our heavy hearts, we believe in Him. We trust His promise.We rejoice with a joy that is inexpressible because we trust Him with our lives. We are filled with glory because we love Him. Our reward for trusting and having faith in His message is beyond belief. Beyond what we deserve.

Salvation. Redemption. Eternal freedom of our souls.

All because of a simple four-letter word.
L-O-V-E.

By My Side.

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Striving. In the wrong direction. Struggling. For worthless things And fighting Him. Sometimes with everything I have in me. I try to live for my own desires. I try to force my will into His. That's not how it works. I forget far to easily that He loves me. He desires the best plans for my life. He freely gives infinite amounts of grace. And it can't be taken away. So why am I crying? Because I turn away. I turn away from Him in shame. In embarrassment. In fear. In anger. In pride. He loving reaches down to lift up my sullen face. And I turn away.

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

I turn away. And search fervently for love. I search for things to fill my mind. Thinking that maybe I will be the one time that God gives up. That God walks away. All the while He is lovingly calling me back... "Daughter. Come home." And I turn. And try to run from Him. I try to outsmart my creator. But luckily. He knows me. He knows my ways. He knows where I run to. Before my feet take off. And when they do start moving. He is there.

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

He is there. And down the street. And around the corner. And four towns over. He is by my side. And in front of me. And behind me. Where ever I end up. Whatever mess I find myself in. No matter how I feel. He is there. Even when He has taken everyone else away from me. Alone. Whenever I need Him. He always shows up. Even when I don't want Him to. Even when I fight. I fight His loving hands that tenderly try to hold me. But I fight with all that's in me. My pride gets in the way. I would rather throw myself a pity party then accept a supernatural love. He longs to hold me in His hands.

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

His hands. His side. By His wounds. I was healed. Death lost it's curse. He took everything I have done. Am doing. Will do. He took it all. Every one of my imperfections. They were nailed to the cross with Him. All for one thing. To carry me to everlasting life. He died to hold me. He died to give me life.

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

He died. To give me life. Not to boast about His greatness. To restore my life. Because of His unfailing love for me. He loves me. He is jealous for me. He craves my affection. He wants to prove His love. He wants me to know that He died for me. He wants me to feel the weight of His affection. The pressure of His greatest mystery. The mystery of loving me. Not only does He love. He hasn't given up. He doesn't give up. He won't give up. Through all my pushing. He holds on. By my side.

Sitting At Your Feet.

Sometimes my mind wanders. I get consumed in things to be done. Places to go. People to see. I serve. But forget the reason for serving. I forget the Unique One I'm serving. I offer my deeds. And forget to give my heart. All You want is my love. All You want is my amazement. All You want is my affection. Not my good works. Sometimes I forget to give You the praises that You are due.

It's time to take a different approach. I long to be a bit more Mary and a little less Martha. Martha was a good woman. She was a servant. But her serving distracted her from Your true beauty. You true blessing. But Mary. Mary was different. She chose what couldn't be take away. She didn't busy herself with serving. She didn't consume her thoughts with good deeds. Mary chose something better. She chose You. She sat in awe of You. And that wonder was never taken from Mary. She never grew tired of who You are. And so I'm going to try something. A Mary approach.

Sitting at Your feet. Letting You speak to my heart. Quiet. I just want to hear Your voice. I want You to effect my thinking. Change my ways. Invade my thoughts. Become my speech. Consume me. Lord. From the inside out. Totally. Completely.Remind me. Lord. I serve You. And You alone. My serving is for You. My ability to serve comes from You. I am working for You. Not the world. Allow me to sit. Be amazed. Awestruck. Inevitably peaceful. Radically changed.

Underneath These Stars.

Underneath these stars tonight. The slow moving swirls of purple clouds. I wait. Because You've called me to. Not because I want to. I look at the stars. Amazed. They wait quietly. Beautifully. They are at peace. They are still. No questions. No chaos. Some silently dance across the midnight sky. While still others wait for their time. Oh Lord. Teach me their patience. Their serenity.

Tonight my heart is turning violently inside my chest. It's breaking Lord. And this time it's not my fault. And all I can do is wait. I can't stand and fight. I can't run. I'm just standing still. With small forced breaths. And tears flowing like rivers down my cheeks.

They are all I can think about. The ones I love so dear. Are so unknown to me. They should know me the best, but they barely know me. They don't know my joys. My pains. My hopes. My dreams. Most importantly, they don't understand my heart for You. They don't know You. My life is foolish to them. A mystery.

Day after day, I wait. I wait for a phone call. I wait for a visit. I wait for a question. Everyday I pray for a change of heart. I pray they finally see Your beauty. Your majesty. Your splendor. Your Love. But as for now, I wait.

You see, for a while, I was angry. I was hurt. I sought love elsewhere. Anywhere. I felt unworthy. Flawed. But then You got hold of my heart again. After a long, painful struggle. But Your forgiveness allowed me to forgive. Your love allowed me to love. I forgave. And I loved them. And I haven't stopped.

It's been three years now. Their hearts are still hard. But I'm not giving up. I'm not losing heart. You're teaching me what having steadfast love feels like. What having unconditional love feels like. Even if it's unmatched. You are my father. You will love me. You will strengthen me. You will support me. My own flesh and blood may abandon me. But You won't.

I have faith You are working. Even if I don't see change. I have faith you are moving. Even if they aren't. I have faith that you hear me. And understand me. Even if they don't.

So I wait here tonight. Crying these tears. But not because I don't trust You. I cry because they are lost. Like wandering stars. Lost in the deep black of the night sky. They are greatly deceived by the evil one. They are broken. I long for them to know the secret to everlasting joy. To eternal life. I long for them to be radiant. And unashamed. Living without fear. Without condemnation. Come to their rescue. Father save their souls. Like You saved mine.

The Bridge.

I was sitting in the backseat along. You were right there with me. You were next to me. Above me. Around me. You were there. We were driving quick. Until we got to the bridge. Then time stood still.

My head had been spinning all day. The "I Do's" and "I Love You's were beautifully overwhelming. Your love was beautifully overwhelming. All. Day. Long. But You didn't stop there.

Driving over the bridge. Time stood still. The sky was every color. Fire red. Burnt orange. Golden yellow. Royal purple. Deep blue. Finally fading to black. Every color was bold. Confident. It knew it's place. And purpose. The clouds were illuminated. Set aflame.

The long bridge. Over the usually dark water. But not that night. That night it was the opposite. The lake was reflecting back every color of the sky. White specks of boats were scattered along the surface of the water. I was lost in the beauty. I felt motionless. I felt You physically grabbing my thoughts. I was surrounded. Captivated. Engulfed in Your love.

Each color was orchestrated. The timing was planned. All the events of the day were leading to that exact moment. You know that would happen since before I was born. Before a thought of me existed. Before my parents. Grandparents. Creation of time. You created that sunset on that lake and knew I would be right there at that moment. And I was.

And that was only a sunset. One little sunset. At the end of one day of my life. But You know them all. Every one. Every day. Of Every life. That has ever been. And ever will be. But You love each one of us with a deep passion. Lord. You love me. You delight in revealing Your love for me. You give me perfect endings. To perfect days. You aren't afraid of showing Your love with zeal. You do everything to keep hold of my wandering heart. You aren't afraid of me. All of me. Sad. Happy. Thankful. Selfish. Loved. Unloved. Surrounded. Alone. When I'm laughing. When I'm crying out. You aren't afraid. You seem me as a daughter. A lover. A sister. A friend. Holy and blameless. Without a flaw.

Driving over the bridge. You got me. You exceeded my expectations for the day. It was only a sunset. It was only a lake. It was only a bridge. But it was beautiful. And it was a gift for me. An unmatchable gift. As we crossed that bridge and reached the other side, time picked up again. And my head continued it's spinning. You got me lost in love that day. And I hope I don't find my way out.

Humans.

God is amazing. Do you know how many things in your body had to go right for that breath you just took to actually happen? A lot. The most amazing thing that God created is you and me. By far the most amazing. Here's why.

1. Think about the number of processes the human body performs every second of the day. Breathing. Blinking. Food breakdown. Blood flowing. Brain Activity. There are a huge amount of processes that the body performs. And we don't control any of them. We don't think about breathing. Or blinking. We can't command our stomachs to break down food. We can't force our organs to work a certain way. God has designed our bodies in amazing ways. The fact that we can drives cars and control our arms and feet at the same time. That's amazing. The fact that we can run. Jump. Skip. Laugh. Cry. Dance. Amazing. Everything is designed perfectly. Even if you don't feel that way about yourself. We are amazing creatures.

2. Our brains are one of the most complex and interesting things. We can think. Reason. Feel. Express emotion. Create. You can try to compare us to some other animal. But you won't get very far. We were created to rule over all other creation on Earth. God designed us to be the ones who carry life on here on Earth. God ultimately decides what happens. But He gave us free will and functioning brains.

3. There are 6,768,167,712 people in the world. No one is the same. Not one. Not even twins. They may look alike. But their personalities are different. Their interests are different. Their fears and weaknesses are different. But God made them all. Every one of them. He knows them all. Every single one. He knows all of our hearts. He knows our dreams. He knows when we sit and lie down. We can try to run far from Him. But He is there already. Waiting. Waiting for us to acknowledge Him. He knows us. All 6,768,167,712 of us.

4. We are relational. We need other people. We have desires for friends. Family. Kids. We want to feel love. We want to give love. That's amazing. Animals hunt. Kill. And mate because it is necessary for life. We chose where to live. What to eat. And who we marry. And it's all based on relations. The idea of a wedding is crazy. We are the only creation that had a whole day dedicated to a wedding. We get dressed up. We bring gifts. We laugh. We cry tears of joy. For a wedding. It's beautiful. God created humans to want relationships. We don't just chose a mate and get on with it. We spend time around each other first. Get to know each other. Pray about it. Then for girls... We wait until the guy pops the big question. And then the planning begins. But if you think about it. The whole things is crazy awesome. And not just because I'm a girl who likes weddings. We want love and we think about love. And God uses Earthly marriage to give us a taste of His love for us. He gave us a picture of what relationship we will one day have with Him. God made us so unique to other creatures.

5. Babies amaze me the most. Really. There is so much going on inside a baby. Connections in their brains working. Bones growing. Joints forming. The start of speech. Little laughs. Little smiles. Little fingers. Little toes. They all grow. They change. And we have nothing to do about it. The best thing is. God created them. God loves them. God knows their entire life story before they are even born. Babies are full of potential. They literally are the future. That is crazy to me. Something else crazy... The formation of life. It blows my mind to think about how God knit us together in our mothers wombs. He knows the hairs of our head. From day one God has been drawing us to Him. Trying to win our hearts. And it all starts as a baby. One last thing. They are adorable. And, in my opinion, the most beautiful thing created by God.

You Were There.

The rain fell.
Slow.
Big.
Drops.
They fell. My windows were open. You were there. Calming my fluttering heart. With every drop that fell, You drew closer. Refusing to back down. Determined to get through. You know exactly what I need. Lord. Sometimes I try to stay stubborn. I try to hold my ground. But that only makes it more painful. You don't want it to be this way. But I always seem to make it happen. I always fight You. I never give in. But You are bigger than that.

You were there Lord. When I felt unseen. Invisible to those around. Wishing I could hide. Cleaning until my fingers ached. You were holding my dirty hand the whole time. You gave me joy. And a painful peace. You whispered "Just a bit longer. Your time will come. Soon." So I worked. Even harder than before.

You were there Lord. When I held that little girl tightly. Or when for a brief moment, the little boy saw me as a friend. And when she prayed to You. The most innocent and loving pray to a big and powerful creator. You saw her. And smiled with me. Child-like faith is what is asked. I could take a few lessons from these amazing children.

You were there Lord. When laughter was exchanged for the first time in weeks. A family united again. Love seemed to be sparking fires. Blazing bright. A pure love. Genuine. Unwavering. The warm embraces of cherished loved ones so unknown to me. So unimaginable. But they were real. At least for someone. I stood amazed. I'm sure You laughed. Family love like that does exist.

You were there Lord. When the room was crowded. And there was a sticky weight to the air. Surrounded on all sides. But hearing nothing. A deafening silence was ringing through my head. I was doing it again... Despite my attempts to correct my flaw. I waited. I tried not to say much. I failed. I tripped over a few sentences. And I tried to run away. But got no where new. Again. I'm sure You laughed. I know I did. Maybe Your plan is much better for me. No.. I know it is.

I seem to be stumbling through my days lately. Sporadically placing one foot in front of the other. Hoping the end of the day comes soon. But I feel You with me more than ever. I feel You carrying me. I feel You providing. Providing quiet. Peace. Joy. Love. You remind me that You are there. You are always there. You will always be there. You are going out before me. Preparing the way. And preparing hearts. You silently wait. For your wayward Daughter. While I regain my footing. While I remember those steps of confidence I used to take.

I've Seen.

Land of the free. Home of the brave. Well. Maybe.

We, as a country, are free. But not the freedom You intended. Too many girls are slaves to the culture. Too many girls are slaves to their friends. Too many girls are slaves of their families.

I've seen girls pushed to perfection by family and friends. Only to end up broken and defeated.
I've seen girls wishing they were dead. And I've seen some who try to make it happen.
I've seen girls starving themselves to look like the girls in the magazines. And maybe catch a boys attention.
I've seen girls cut their own flesh to feel something. Anything.
I've seen girls take endless amounts of diet pills to keep her boyfriend happy. And to stop her own father from making fun of her weight.
I've seen girls start to drink at age 14 because "everyone" was doing it.
I've seen girls hide their faith to keep a few friends. I've seen those friends leave.
I've seen girls unloved by their family because her parents are caught up in their own mess.
I've seen girls who never heard I love you from their dad. And have sought other boys instead.
I've seen girls who can't look in the mirror. Afraid of what they might see.
I've seen girls feel hopelessly unbeautiful because that's how their mothers were.
I've seen girls shrivel into nothing because that's all they've ever been treated as.
I've seen girls lose all convictions and morals just to feel some sort of love. Any love. From a boy.

I know it breaks Your heart, Lord, because it's breaking mine. I was some of these girls once. Before I saw the hope in You. Now, I know some of these girls far too well. And I've seen too many like them. Land of the free? More like Land of the Captives. Lord, but You know it doesn't have to be this way. If parents would only see the weight they carry in their children's lives. Things could be different. I long for that. I pray for that.

Where are the fathers willing to openly show their love? The mothers to be a guide? Where are the willing ones? The brave ones? We are losing a generation to the slavery of culture. To the power of sin. Home of the brave? Home of the broken.

So now here we are. Land of the Captives. Home of the Broken. Lord. How did this happen? Only a mighty work from Your hand can save us. The further we slip from Land of the Free and Home of the Brave, the closer to compete destruction we get. Restore us, O Lord. Show us Your will. Show us Your way.

Grace Is Raining. Love Is Pouring.

Grace is raining. Love is pouring. From His hands. From His side. You can see it in the sky tonight. You can feel it in the breeze. He's calling now. Longing for me to draw near to Him. He wants to show Himself to me. He wants to protect me. He knows the sinful flesh I fight. He sees my struggle. He hears the cry of the godly. He saves them time and again.

Grace is raining. Love is pouring. I am a saint who sins. Not a sinner anymore. My sinful flesh rebels from time to time. And my heart breaks when it does. He has compassion. He loves me still. He isn't disappointed. He isn't angry. It's my own guilt that gets in between us. His thoughts of me never change. No matter what I do. He is sees me as His daughter. His treasure. His delight. He sees me as holy and blameless. So that is what I am. I am who He sees me as. That's who I am. My thoughts of me mean nothing. Others thoughts of me mean nothing. All that matters is who He sees me as.

Grace is raining. Love is pouring. He has conquered sin. And the power of sin. It has lost it's grip on me. I can say no. I can choose Him. I can love Him more. I can show the power of Christ. Be a light. Be an example. Show love. No worries in life. No fear in death. He is with me. Shoulder to shoulder. And face to face.

Grace is raining. Love is pouring.

You Are Faithful.

Lord. You are faithful. Even when I'm not. Even when I want to run and hide. You are faithful. So many times recently I have thought about doing just that. Running. Hiding. Pretending I was different. In a different place. A different city. Anywhere. And that's usually what I do. I'm a runner by nature. I run to avoid. Run to escape. Run to hide. But You wouldn't let me go. You wouldn't let me leave. You called me to be still. And luckily. I listened..

I've been praying for over a year for this day. And Lord. You answered. I had begun believing that You were ignoring my plea. But today the answer came. Lord. You are faithful. I called. You answered. You came through. But it is painful sometimes. You answer according to Your will, not mine. And it hurts. But the simple fact that You did answer proves Your love.

Month after month I've prayed that You would break my heart so You could claim it fully as Your own. And I thought I was there. I thought You had it all. But I was wrong. The wonderful thing is... I feel that You have broken my heart completely out of love. And though there is pain, I can feel You slowing repairing the destruction.

Lord. Teach me to dream again. Teach me to love. Teach me to wait. Teach me to move. Teach me to be bold. Teach me to be free. Teach me to fight the good fight. With my whole heart.

Even though my unfaithfulness rings loud and clear... You know my heart. You know my love for You. I know I don't deserve Your love. I know I'm completely unworthy of such a wonderful friend. I know You are watching over me tonight. I know You are near. And that is what is keeping me here. My body longs to run. Far. Away from here. Somewhere different. Somewhere new. But Your love is keeping me here. Your love has kept my feet and my roots firmly planted. I will not run. I will not hide. I couldn't escape You even if I tried. Your steadfast love and faithfulness endure forever. And I am so grateful for that.

Lord. You are faithful.

Waiting.

Waiting... Is good. Wait. What? Yep. It's good. The best thing for us. It grows us. Matures us. You make me wait out of love, not punishment. The saying goes that everything good is worth waiting for. Maybe there is some truth to that.

I continually long after worthless things. I need to be longing after You alone... The rest will follow in it's own time. Whether or not we like the timing is a different story. You decide. You plan. You cause to happen. I must obey. Where You send me, I must go. What you give me, I must joyfully accept. Even if I don't understand why. I'm not called to understand all of Your ways. I'm called to follow Your commands. Not make my own.

The funny thing is... I know You have a perfect plan. I know it. My life has enough proof to convince any jury. You have my life mapped out like a skilled sailor. No turn or wave has gone unnoticed. Each perfectly planned for and each one perfectly guarded by You. The waves may get rough and the turns may get sharp... But You are there. You navigate me through and all I can do is wait. And hopefully wait in patience. Although with me, there's no guarantee of that.

I'm the classic case of here and now. Fast food. Instant results. But I've got a feeling You are about to break that trend. Right now I need to either learn to be patient or go crazy. I've taken the crazy road far too many times and gotten no where. I need to try the patience thing. It will be good for me. Maybe painful, but good. Growth can come from pain if I choose to trust You with it. Because like childhood growing pains, I need a little pain while I'm growing. And I know that growing comes from waiting. So I'll wait. And I'll try to do it quietly.

You.

When I'm happy.
Content.
Joyful.
You Smile With Me.

When I'm still.
At Peace
Quiet.
You Move Me.

When I'm On Fire.
Zealous.
Bold.
You Challenge Me.

When I'm Losing Strength.
Worn Down.

Tired.

You Restore Me.

When I'm Lost.
Confused.
Afraid.
You Guide Me.

When I'm Fighting You.
Unforgiving.
Angry.
You Hold Me.

When I'm Restless.
Discontent.
Impatient.
You Quiet Me.

When I'm Ignoring You.
Running.
Hiding.
You Chase Me.

When I'm Ashamed.
Full Of Self-Pity.
Embarrassed.
You Rejoice Over Me.

When I'm Alone.
Unworthy.
Invisible.
You Love Me Completely.

Battles.

The war is over. Christ has already won. But the fight continues. I'm hard pressed on all sides but He won't let me be crushed. He gives me strength. He doesn't let me be destroyed. And He never abandons me. He's fighting beside me. And dancing over me. But I'm still fighting.

It seems that everyday is the same battle. The Devil is in my head. Feeding me the worst lies. And sometimes I make the mistake of believing them. The invisible battles are the hardest. No one sees them. But they are the realist thing I have ever felt. I don't wish to fight this again. But I've given it to the Lord a hundred times and I've taken it back a hundred and one.

Why do I continue to fight this? Why don't I let Him have it and see what He does with it? I've made enough of a mess already. I want to feel Him guarding my heart... Without me pulling it back selfishly. I don't know what's best for me. And I never will. But He does. And He is setting things up perfectly. With no help from me. But He will keep doing it anyway.

My head keeps screaming at me to get things off my chest. To tell everyone. But He says no. He tells me to wait. It's not time yet. He has it covered. But my head refuses to listen. And my heart is caught in between. Sometimes my heart goes unnoticed amidst the fight. The daily fight I face. But He hasn't let my heart be taken yet. He continues to fight on. He won't back down. He won't give in. He won't lose. Because, remember, the war is already won.

Just A Branch.

Just a branch. Not a root. Sometimes I forget that. I forget that when it comes down to it, I don't really matter. God doesn't need to use me. God doesn't need to provide for me. Luckily He does both. But He doesn't have to.

I'm a branch. Worse yet, a grafted branch. Once dead and lifeless. A dead, dingy brown. He picked me up. He shook me. He saw potential. The painful process of grafting began. It takes a lot to restore a life. But He did it anyways.He saw a soft heart in need and He took it. I frequently ask why. He willing decided to use me. A poor, dead branch. Not because He needed me. Not because His greatness wouldn't be seen without me. He use me because He wanted to.

He is still using me. Not because I deserve it. Remember, I'm nothing but a branch. He is using me because He wants me to learn and feel what it means to live like His Son. He uses me so I can be transformed and molded into a disciple and sister of Christ.

But the beauty of it all is this... I can take no credit for this. It's a beautiful love story actually. Christ saw me, the lost slave of sin, and chose me. He loved me with everything He had to win my lost, weak heart. And let's not forget that through it all, I am still just a branch. One little branch. A once dead, but now restored, branch. Not a strong, important, life-supplying root. Just a branch.

But I'll take being a branch any day.

The Call of Boldness.

I'm not naturally the bold time. I would rather keep my mouth shut. Keep others happy. But He never allows that. I hate seeing others in discomfort. I do everything to make sure I'm not a burden. But He doesn't want that. Not at all.

We are called to be bold. We are called to have power. Not be timid. I've been too good at that last one for too long. Luckily, our God is strong enough to cover our weaknesses. Luckily, our God is bold. Luckily, our God has a plan. He won't settle for second hand thoughts and second rate lies. He will push and push and push until He gets through. And He will get though. He always does. We may try to cheat Him. We may try to deceive Him. He knows. He feels it. He hates it. But He still loves us. Why we may never know.

A thousand times I've spit in His face. He remains. He will continue to remain. But now He is calling me. He has a mission for me. I need to take it. He is there ahead of me, clearing my path. Preparing hearts. I just need to step out and go. I can no longer hide. I can no longer allow myself to be ashamed. He is calling me to be more than I've ever dream. And I can't back down from His call. I am a saint. He will guard me. He won't leave me to be disgraced. Even though I spit in His face far too many times. He is my shield. My Rock.

Life.

Breathing. But dead. Eyes open. But asleep. Running. But getting no where. All the vital signs point to life. But there is more to life than breathing. Sometimes life requires death. Too often I forget that. Too often I think that I'm worth more by the deeds I do. Why is it so easy to forget God's perfect grace? Why do I question His ways?

Foolishness can be blinding. Lies can be luring to a sinful flesh. Death is what is asked. Christ was put to death for me. He died for me while I was still sinful. He requires nothing but love in return. And sometimes love means death. Sometimes love means pain. Sometimes love means sacrifice. I was called to put to death my old self when I chose to put on Christ's love.

Why do I insist on trying to restore life to my old flesh? It has nothing for me. It has nothing worth saving. Christ restored a full and new life to me when I said yes to him. With that full and new life comes promises and plans I'm too simple minded to really comprehend. My old self wants nothing to do with the righteousness to which I'm called. I'm supposed to live apart from this world. I'm supposed to shine like a lighthouse. Shine like a star. Lead the lost home to new life in God. And that might mean pain. And sacrifice. I'm being called daily to live a life of dying to my wants and desires.

But through it all, Christ delights in me. He loves me with a passionate love. An undeserved love. The God of the Universe is reminding me daily of His deep love for me.

His sunrises. His snowflakes. His late night thunderstorms. His sunsets. His stars.

They are all His. And He gives them freely to win my heart. He gives them freely to bring me joy. To overwhelm me with love. He reminds me to do the same to those around me. Find the lost and bring them home. Show them the love that Christ has given me. I'm called to live in His death. And to restore life to others as I do. God gives sunrises, can't I give smiles? He gives thunderstorms, can't I give my time? He gives stars, can't I give sympathy? It's actually simple. Just pass on the freedom of life that has been freely given to me. I'm not expected to do more than possible. Just give. Share what's being continually given to me. Step out in faith with boldness. That's it. That's all. Live my life as a reflection of God.

Our Eyes.

Down. We keep looking down. Why do we think that we can find answers here? If we continue to look around, we will forever see evil deeds. We will be destined to watch misery all the days of our lives. If we look to ourselves, there will be pain and fighting. Destruction and death. Are we ready for the righteous to outnumber the wicked?

Day after day we look but we don't really see. We hear but we forget to listen. Open our eyes Lord. Our eyes are looking up. Our eyes are on you Lord. Watching. Waiting. We are turning our gazes upwards to the Heavens in anticipation.

How long must we wait to for you? Open our eyes to see you in the land of the living. for the Lord our God is living among us. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in us with gladness. With His love, He will calm all our fears. He will rejoice over us with joyful songs. Lord! Open our eyes because we are tired of sleeping in and missing your glory. We are tired of missing our mission from you. We are so tired of sleeping in.

Give us your eyes. Show us your vision. Let us see the broken. Let us see your pain. But also let us see your miracles. Let us see your love and compassion. Let us look and be amazed! For you are doing something in our own day, something we won't believe even if someone told us about it. Lord, you can't stand in the sight of evil. Let us stand for you. Let us not be afraid to stand and be seen. Our eyes, oh Lord, yes. We lift our eyes to you and to you alone. We fix our sight on you. Lead us where you may. We will follow. Across the sea. To foreign lands. We will follow you. To pain. To our deaths. We will follow.

Release.

Oh the warmth of your love. Surrounding. Overwhelming my fears and even the deepest of my pain.

The pain is all my own doing. And God gently allows the pain to hit me. He promises me that I'll grow from it. He promises that it's for good, not disaster. But it's still painful. And it's a deep pain that I stubbornly keep grasping tightly with weak white knuckles. My hands keep holding tight while my heart screams, "Let it go. Let. It. Go." But it seems my stubborn grasp grows tighter. So tight that I know that letting go will cause pain as lift flows back to my white knuckles. My white, fragile, lifeless hands.

I know what I need to do. And, oh, the joy to follow. But I've spent so long holding on that it seems almost impossible to release what I clutch so dearly. Good thing you are in the business of doing seemingly impossible things. You whisper lightly in my ear, "My love is enough. My strength is enough. My blood is enough." You words weigh the air and sink down into the depths of my heart. I slowly start to feel the heavy, relentless pressure releasing. But my grasp is still holding strong.

But you, you never back down. Boldly you continue to speak your words of love to me. You passionately say, "I love you. More than you can ever know. Stop fighting The One who lost his very life for you." Slowly, one finger makes the brave move. it slowly releases and gracefully floats away from it's prized possession. You push on. Confidently you say, "Just trust me. You've done it with everything else... Why not this? This one little thing." Two. Another finger liberates it's captive. The pain of letting go is beginning to arise. The hardest part is about to hit. But you are still there. Patiently waiting. Like you always seem to do with me. This time you you're serious. You say, "It's going to be worth all the pain. Give it to me. I'll give you back something greater. I promise." The pain of walking away from past dreams is welling up now. My flesh wants this to happen the way I dreamed it to always be. My flesh is fighting harder for this than I ever though it would. This is my last dream I've tried to keep hidden away from you for so long. I had the foolish hope that you would forget about it. The foolish hope that maybe for once I knew better than The One who knows all. My flesh craves it's own way. But you know better. You always do. With a quick bolt of pain, I let it go. I allow your love to break me. Now you are calling me to draw near to you. You are my strength. You are my peace. You are my hope.

Gradually, I feel the warm flow of new blood begin to move in and out of the corners of my heart. It finds the places I thought were closed for eternity. As my heart begins to beat, life is renewed with every slow and painful pulse. With a heart full of reborn dreams, I take a step. And slow but steady step. And then a breath. A deep, filling breath of new air. Crisp air. I begin to step with boldness only explained by the power and love of Christ. Maybe it will happen. Maybe it won't. Maybe I'm not supposed to know. Maybe God has already given me a family of my own. Or maybe I'm just supposed to keep running this race God has set before me. And I will keep running it with borrowed strength from The One I choose to chase. The last desire I clung so tightly to, Lord, it's yours.

My Love

My Heavenly Father is the best friend anyone could ask for. It’s hard to describe him in words worth speaking. But I’ll try.

He is always with me. We do everything together. One morning we got up early right before daylight broke the darkness of the cold night. We watched the sky as it melted from the deepest of blacks to a brilliant orange brighter than a raging fire. Slowly the sun peaked over the skyline, showing it’s magnificent colors and power. We could feel it’s warm embrace surrounding us like a gentle hug from friend that held on long enough to feel their heart beating against mine. Time stood still for a few minutes. We didn’t rush. We didn’t speak. We just stood. We waited there a while just pretending that we had all day to stand and watch. Unfortunately, reality quickly came and shook us out of our daydream with a violent jerk.

There are many days like this with him. Days that seem too perfect to even be written in a fairytale. He brings me joy. He brings me a life so full of meaning it’s beyond words. Imagine Thanksgiving dinner. You are surrounded by a number of loved ones. You can feel the love hanging in the air as conversations dance around the room. Then you all sit down to a feast of home cooked food. You can smell the sweet brown sugar that is lightly glazed over the turkey. You start to eat. And you keep eating. Then out comes desert. The sweet pumpkin pie that melts in your mouth. You eat more. And you keep eating. You are so full that you are even in pain. That is the kind of life he gives. A life that is filled with purpose. He has so much planned for me that sometimes it feels like too much. And sometimes it hurts. But not because he has left me to defend myself against the Devil. And not because my purpose is gone. It hurts because all I want is to be with him, seeing him face to face. I hurt from waiting. But luckily, he is the type of friend who doesn’t leave when the pain comes. He doesn’t back down on his promise to never leave me. He stays even on those really tough days when nothing goes right and everyone seems to turn and run. You know, those dark, dreary afternoons when even the sun decides it should hide from me. He shows up with a radiant smile that’s brighter than the sun and whispers, “I still care. Give me your burdens. I’ll make them light.”, gently in my ear. Sometimes I feel like I can’t really hear him. Like he really isn’t there. Just like the cool breezes on a warm summer nights that just tousles my hair and then vanish without a trace. But in my doubt, he isn’t afraid to be bold. Not with a prideful boldness that makes me feel like less of a person. But a boldness that makes me feel like I can be bold too. He builds me up. And never tries to tear me down afterwards.

He is never afraid to show his love for me. His unconditional, undying love for me, his daughter, that even my sins can’t take away. This love is not like a high school crush. It’s not the kind of love that comes in and leaves you with a bitter taste in your mouth. It’s the kind of love that lasts. A deep, endless love that sinks into your soul and doesn’t ever leave. It satisfies you like cold glass of ice water bursting into your mouth on a sizzling summer day. Or like the smell of fresh chocolate chip cookies coming out the oven. It satisfies. Yet you are always left wanting more.

Many might not know this, but God is also a romantic. He likes to send me surprise rain showers that make me feel like a child again. He orchestrates symphonies of birds chirping and leaves brushing specially for me alone to hear. And he always brings flowers. He lets small, feathery snowflakes graze my cheek with a smooth and graceful kiss. He loves to curl up in a blanket as I read his love notes he wrote in the Bible for me to find. There are enough to last me a lifetime.
God is also a doctor. He has never seen a heart he can’t mend. Just like on that one warm and clear evening this past summer. I was sitting on a cold, lonely bench just praying. And crying. They were the kind of tears that felt like they were burning little rivers down my cheeks. With every tear, my heart sank further into the pit of my stomach. I needed to clear my head, which was racing in all directions, at frightening speeds. My parents hadn’t talked to me in months because I was too fanatical about God. Rent was due and I had almost nothing left even though I worked two jobs. My friends were nowhere to be found. But he was still there. He didn’t leave. He raised my eyes to the Heavens. The moon was shining brighter than I’ve ever seen and the stars seemed to dance across the sky in a passionate dance. I could smell that crisp smell of night. Out of nowhere, someone began to sing the most beautiful song I’ve ever heard. It was in Italian and was full of so much romance. I never saw who was singing but I knew that the song was for me. But then the wind blew a sweet, enticing breeze that seemed to entwine me. The Creator of the Universe saw me in my broken moment. He see’s me in all my broken moments. And he shows up. He cries tears of sorrow with me. You know, those days where your heart has been stepped on. By stilettos. Multiple times. And those days where the first step out of bed feels like competing in an Iron Man competition, which you haven’t trained for. On those days, he shows up with all his strength and tenderly carries me through the day. He has the power to end the world at any given moment. And he carries me as a mother would her newborn child. He mercifully picks up the pieces of my smashed heart and sews it back together with his own hands. He places each piece it is place and sews with compassion. The crazy part is, he doesn’t ask for anything in return except for my sutured heart. And that sounds easy enough. Except for the times I’m running away from him because of the mess I’ve gotten myself into. Some days I get the dangerous idea that I can make decisions on my own. And things usually end up in complete disarray. I run because I so quickly forget the amazing grace he has. I run to escape because I’m too much of a coward to face God. And usually in the middle of me running he places his hand on my shoulder, letting it gently weigh me down. All he says in a calm, warm voice that stirs the air around me is, “where are you going? I’m still right here. I can fix all that you did. Just give me your heart.” Time and time again he does this. He never gives up. His persistence is breathtaking. And he frequently does take my breath away.

Throughout my life, I have tried to find all these characteristics in an earthly person. But I’ve realized that sinful people cannot fit in the place of a holy and perfect God. He is my Father. My Brother. My Friend. My Guardian. My Love