The Valley.

Life hasn't bee easy.
But the Lord has dealt kindly with me.
Far better than I deserve.

I walked through the valley.
Desires pulling at my flesh.
Nagging until I gave in.
Lust. Betrayal. Lies.
Empty.

I walked through the valley.
Thoughts filling my head.
Filling me with self doubt.
Ugly. Loud. Unwanted.
Lonely.

I walked through the valley.
Pride decaying my bones.
Breaking me under it's weight.
Consumed. Pressured. Controlled.
Sinking.

I walked through the valley.
Sickness overtaking my body.
Somedays a struggle to move.
Fear. Confusion. Fragile.
Broken.

But He wasn't finished with me.
He kept me alive.
He saved me from the snares of death.
He kept me alive so I could die again.
A death of glory and joy. A death of freedom.
He brought me through the valley.
To see Him in His glory. His majesty. His power.

Life hasn't been easy.
But the Lord has dealt kindly with me.
Far better than I deserve.

It's Me.

"It's not you. It's me."
Really. What if it is?
What if I am to blame?
No. I didn't break any hearts.
But my mind is going crazy.

My brain won't stop.
It never stops.
I need to be constantly on guard.
Moment. By. Moment.

Sometimes I slip up.
I let my thoughts get away.
And lately it's happened too frequently.
I forget who I'm fighting against.
I give him ground.

The thoughts overwhelm me.
They change my views.
On life. On joy. On people.
They try to silence You.
And sometimes I let them.


I make things up in my head.
I create stories.
Painful stories full of lies.
Of things hoped for.
Of things easier.
I over-think every word.
Every look.
Every laugh.

That isn't Your plan.
You will surprise me.
You will challenge me.
You won't let me get by easy.

Yes. It is me.
That doesn't change the facts.
I know Truth.
I know You.
You are changing me.
But for now.
"It's me" will have to do.

Rebel

I've figured me out.

I've gotten to the heart of me.

I'm a rebel. A fighting rebel.

But I understand. It finally made sense.

Everything that has happened up til now.

Pain. Sorrow. Broken hearts.

Every tear full of purpose.

Laughter. Joy. Peace.

Every smile full of life.

You knew my heart before I did.

I refused to see the truth about me.

You meticulously broke me. Piece by piece.

You commanded each fraction as it fell.

And now I'm here.

Right where You wanted me.

At peace. Rested. Ready.

I'm changing. Growing up.

There is so much to say.

But I will be still.

My heart is restless.

But I will wait.

I want to tell the truth about how I feel.

But I will hold my tongue for a bit longer.

Speaking would be easier.

But Your time. Not mine.

You hold time within Your hand.

Your Will is what will be done.

I will patiently wait.

To see Your soverignty.

To witness Your power.

Home Is Where The Heart Is.

Home is where the heart is.
I've heard it time and time again. So often we think of a place. Somewhere we spent our childhood. Somewhere we've made our memories. Somewhere we feel safe and loved.

But what happens when your "home" doesn't add up?
I am loved by my family. Sometimes my heart breaks when I'm there. I am loved by my brothers and sisters. Sometimes I get let down. My whole life I have felt out of place. Like I wasn't meant for whatever place I landed. And the truth is, I'm not.

"For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come." Hebrews 13:14.

My home isn't here. And as much as I try to make it fit my mold. It won't happen. It can't happen. Because of the new heart that I have been given, I will never find my home here. If I did feel at home, I should be worried.

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:21.

The treasure I live for is to see Jesus Christ face to face in Heaven. Plain and Simple. It's not to be comfortable in this life. It's not to see 100 people come to know the Lord. My treasure is the day that I will get to bow at the feet of my Lord and proclaim that He is worthy of all praise.

My heart is there.
And home is there as well.
My heart is with Christ.
My home is with Christ.
Home is where the heart is.

Shining.

The moon like a spot light.
Exposing me.
My weakness.
My brokenness.

I keep trying to hide from You.
I keep messing up.
I keep hurting You.

I've been crying out.
For days, weeks.
That You would come
Save me. Hold me up. Hold my hand.
Please hear me.

My heart is broken for them.
My heart is broken for me.
My heart is broken for You.

I'm tired.
From the pain, tears
And the disappointment my failures create.
I'm sorry.
But I've said that too many times.
Yet Your grace, Your forgiveness is unchanging.
Unending.

I keep testing You.
Making sure You will stay.
Almost hoping You'll just give up.
But You don't.

You're shining in with the moon.
You've exposed my sin.
And exposed Your love.
You've exposed my failures.
And exposed the Your strength.
You've exposed my ugliness.
And exposed Your beauty.

You are shining on me.
You are shining in me.

All That We Need.

We're all sinners here.
Come in. Take a seat.
We've got nothing to offer.
He's got all that we need.

Don't worry about the bags you carry.
He makes your burdens light.
Don't try to hide the crimson stains.
He will make them all pure white.

Oh, to be loved by the King of Kings.
It's almost too much to bear.
He loves. And loves. And loves some more.
While we ignore Him without a care.

He knows your heart both in and out.
In it, He takes delight.
All that's left is to just say yes.
And prepare for your heart to take flight.

What a ride you've begun.
One without regret.
Forget your past, dry your tears.
Never again shall you fret.

Night.

Night has fallen
Though the sun is still shining.
How did I get here,
And where are You?

On the day You died for me,
I run from You.
I spit in Your face.
I am no better than the onlookers
At the cross.
I mock You.
Hurt You.

I don't get it.
I can't understand.
How can You love me?
Most days I don't love me.
But You love me.
You.
Love.
Me.

I need that to be real to me.
I need to need You desperately.
Today.
You.
Died.
For me.
Me.

Completely.

I come before You tonight with tears in my eyes. No longer for my own selfish
pain.
Tonight. These tears are for You.
Silently they fall. One. By. One. They dance down my check effortlessly on their set course.
Quiet. Yet screaming. I'm sorry. Thank you. All in the same drop.

I so quickly forget. The humility. The suffering.
Everything You faced. Everything You took in silence.
Was for me. Every bit of it.
Your blood. Your tears.
Was for me. Every drop of it.
Why?

Why.
When I continue on.
Kicking and Screaming.
Louder.
Louder.
As if it were all about me.
It's not. It never will be. It can't.
But I keep trying to make it fit.
Forcing it. Bending it. To fit.
But no luck.

This life.
These 20 years.
Should have been for Your glory. Not mine.
Break me daily to see it.
Break me daily to hear it.
Break me daily to feel it.

I want crave You. And Your love.
I long to desire You.
More.
More than the world. My flesh. My lust.
I want You consuming me.
On the tip of my tongue. In the depths of my soul.
I need to be lost in You.
Completely.

Feel You. Hear You. See You.

There's joy.
Glory.
Passion.
A fire burning unlike any other.
A raging fire.
A consuming fire.

Lord.
My God.
Father.
You see us and smile.
Beam.
Radiate.

Your sons and daughters
Are rejoicing.
Dancing and praising
You.
The Holy one in Heaven.
Maker of the stars.
Lover of the broken.

Tonight we feel You.
Hear You.
See You.
The weight of Your love is relentless.
Awesome.
Magnificent.

Your children stand.
Ready for the battle.
Ready to be sent.
We're armed.
Willing.
Ready.

We will fight the good fight.
No matter the cost.

Buried.

I've been buried here.
Beneath this rubble.
For days. Weeks.
Every breath a struggle.
Every day a battle.
And now I'm here.
Buried.
Beneath this rubble.

The battle was epic.
Relentless. Tiresome.
I got scared.
Gave up.
And hid.

I thought You had left me.
I cried out to You.
You heard. I didn't.
My cries were too loud.
Too proud to hear You.
I wanted Your help.
But I dreaded facing You.

You are calling.
I hear You.
Speaking.
Singing.
I cry to You.
And wait.

I lay here.
Buried.
But the weight is being lifted.
I see glimpses of blue sky.
I'm almost free.
My self-made captivity.
Being shattered.
You're coming for me.

A Weak Vessel.

I am a weak vessel.
A body broken.
Young. But frail.
And You. You use the weak.

You've blessed me with a gift.
So unimaginable.
So undeserved.
And some days unwanted.

Today.
I feel my flesh failing.
I feel it giving in.
Every breath is a struggle.
But the tears fall freely without a sound.

Today.
I want to give in.
I want to finally be taken home.
My ailing body is exhausted.
And longs to be made eternal.

I will endure this.
Because You endured my sin.
I will count this as joy.
Because You will shine in my imperfection.

You've chosen me.
To bear this burden.
To share this blessing.
Your power is made perfect in my weakness.
And You want me to be weak.
For when I am weak, I am strong.
Strong in You.

Heart Attack.

It's beating.
Still faint.
But it's beating just the same.

It's mangled.
Still bleeding.
But it's still beautiful to You.

It's healing.
Changing shades.
But this time there's no pain.

It's different.
A new rhythm.
But the pace is refreshing.

It's comfortable.
A perfect fit.
But Your heart always belonged here.

It's thriving.
Wonderfully strong.
But You knew that all along.

A Changed Life

I'm dying today.
Attending my own funeral.
Of past regrets. Fears. Guilt.
I've hurt You. Father. Friend.
I've been unwilling. Cold. Immovable.
But it's time.
I've been consumed.
By the battle in my mind.
The hidden battlefield.
I've grown numb.
To the war waging in the world.
I'm focusing now.
Fixing my gaze straight ahead.
No looking down. No fear.
I'm grasping.
Hands full. Clinging.
My Sword in my left.
Your Hand in my right.
Taking thoughts captive.
Setting slaves free.
And when I fall. When I fail.
It will be guiltless.
I'll smile. Grow. Change.
The joy. Excitement. Comfort.
A changed life.