Sunday, July 19, 2009

Underneath These Stars.

Underneath these stars tonight. The slow moving swirls of purple clouds. I wait. Because You've called me to. Not because I want to. I look at the stars. Amazed. They wait quietly. Beautifully. They are at peace. They are still. No questions. No chaos. Some silently dance across the midnight sky. While still others wait for their time. Oh Lord. Teach me their patience. Their serenity.

Tonight my heart is turning violently inside my chest. It's breaking Lord. And this time it's not my fault. And all I can do is wait. I can't stand and fight. I can't run. I'm just standing still. With small forced breaths. And tears flowing like rivers down my cheeks.

They are all I can think about. The ones I love so dear. Are so unknown to me. They should know me the best, but they barely know me. They don't know my joys. My pains. My hopes. My dreams. Most importantly, they don't understand my heart for You. They don't know You. My life is foolish to them. A mystery.

Day after day, I wait. I wait for a phone call. I wait for a visit. I wait for a question. Everyday I pray for a change of heart. I pray they finally see Your beauty. Your majesty. Your splendor. Your Love. But as for now, I wait.

You see, for a while, I was angry. I was hurt. I sought love elsewhere. Anywhere. I felt unworthy. Flawed. But then You got hold of my heart again. After a long, painful struggle. But Your forgiveness allowed me to forgive. Your love allowed me to love. I forgave. And I loved them. And I haven't stopped.

It's been three years now. Their hearts are still hard. But I'm not giving up. I'm not losing heart. You're teaching me what having steadfast love feels like. What having unconditional love feels like. Even if it's unmatched. You are my father. You will love me. You will strengthen me. You will support me. My own flesh and blood may abandon me. But You won't.

I have faith You are working. Even if I don't see change. I have faith you are moving. Even if they aren't. I have faith that you hear me. And understand me. Even if they don't.

So I wait here tonight. Crying these tears. But not because I don't trust You. I cry because they are lost. Like wandering stars. Lost in the deep black of the night sky. They are greatly deceived by the evil one. They are broken. I long for them to know the secret to everlasting joy. To eternal life. I long for them to be radiant. And unashamed. Living without fear. Without condemnation. Come to their rescue. Father save their souls. Like You saved mine.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Bridge.

I was sitting in the backseat along. You were right there with me. You were next to me. Above me. Around me. You were there. We were driving quick. Until we got to the bridge. Then time stood still.

My head had been spinning all day. The "I Do's" and "I Love You's were beautifully overwhelming. Your love was beautifully overwhelming. All. Day. Long. But You didn't stop there.

Driving over the bridge. Time stood still. The sky was every color. Fire red. Burnt orange. Golden yellow. Royal purple. Deep blue. Finally fading to black. Every color was bold. Confident. It knew it's place. And purpose. The clouds were illuminated. Set aflame.

The long bridge. Over the usually dark water. But not that night. That night it was the opposite. The lake was reflecting back every color of the sky. White specks of boats were scattered along the surface of the water. I was lost in the beauty. I felt motionless. I felt You physically grabbing my thoughts. I was surrounded. Captivated. Engulfed in Your love.

Each color was orchestrated. The timing was planned. All the events of the day were leading to that exact moment. You know that would happen since before I was born. Before a thought of me existed. Before my parents. Grandparents. Creation of time. You created that sunset on that lake and knew I would be right there at that moment. And I was.

And that was only a sunset. One little sunset. At the end of one day of my life. But You know them all. Every one. Every day. Of Every life. That has ever been. And ever will be. But You love each one of us with a deep passion. Lord. You love me. You delight in revealing Your love for me. You give me perfect endings. To perfect days. You aren't afraid of showing Your love with zeal. You do everything to keep hold of my wandering heart. You aren't afraid of me. All of me. Sad. Happy. Thankful. Selfish. Loved. Unloved. Surrounded. Alone. When I'm laughing. When I'm crying out. You aren't afraid. You seem me as a daughter. A lover. A sister. A friend. Holy and blameless. Without a flaw.

Driving over the bridge. You got me. You exceeded my expectations for the day. It was only a sunset. It was only a lake. It was only a bridge. But it was beautiful. And it was a gift for me. An unmatchable gift. As we crossed that bridge and reached the other side, time picked up again. And my head continued it's spinning. You got me lost in love that day. And I hope I don't find my way out.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Humans.

God is amazing. Do you know how many things in your body had to go right for that breath you just took to actually happen? A lot. The most amazing thing that God created is you and me. By far the most amazing. Here's why.

1. Think about the number of processes the human body performs every second of the day. Breathing. Blinking. Food breakdown. Blood flowing. Brain Activity. There are a huge amount of processes that the body performs. And we don't control any of them. We don't think about breathing. Or blinking. We can't command our stomachs to break down food. We can't force our organs to work a certain way. God has designed our bodies in amazing ways. The fact that we can drives cars and control our arms and feet at the same time. That's amazing. The fact that we can run. Jump. Skip. Laugh. Cry. Dance. Amazing. Everything is designed perfectly. Even if you don't feel that way about yourself. We are amazing creatures.

2. Our brains are one of the most complex and interesting things. We can think. Reason. Feel. Express emotion. Create. You can try to compare us to some other animal. But you won't get very far. We were created to rule over all other creation on Earth. God designed us to be the ones who carry life on here on Earth. God ultimately decides what happens. But He gave us free will and functioning brains.

3. There are 6,768,167,712 people in the world. No one is the same. Not one. Not even twins. They may look alike. But their personalities are different. Their interests are different. Their fears and weaknesses are different. But God made them all. Every one of them. He knows them all. Every single one. He knows all of our hearts. He knows our dreams. He knows when we sit and lie down. We can try to run far from Him. But He is there already. Waiting. Waiting for us to acknowledge Him. He knows us. All 6,768,167,712 of us.

4. We are relational. We need other people. We have desires for friends. Family. Kids. We want to feel love. We want to give love. That's amazing. Animals hunt. Kill. And mate because it is necessary for life. We chose where to live. What to eat. And who we marry. And it's all based on relations. The idea of a wedding is crazy. We are the only creation that had a whole day dedicated to a wedding. We get dressed up. We bring gifts. We laugh. We cry tears of joy. For a wedding. It's beautiful. God created humans to want relationships. We don't just chose a mate and get on with it. We spend time around each other first. Get to know each other. Pray about it. Then for girls... We wait until the guy pops the big question. And then the planning begins. But if you think about it. The whole things is crazy awesome. And not just because I'm a girl who likes weddings. We want love and we think about love. And God uses Earthly marriage to give us a taste of His love for us. He gave us a picture of what relationship we will one day have with Him. God made us so unique to other creatures.

5. Babies amaze me the most. Really. There is so much going on inside a baby. Connections in their brains working. Bones growing. Joints forming. The start of speech. Little laughs. Little smiles. Little fingers. Little toes. They all grow. They change. And we have nothing to do about it. The best thing is. God created them. God loves them. God knows their entire life story before they are even born. Babies are full of potential. They literally are the future. That is crazy to me. Something else crazy... The formation of life. It blows my mind to think about how God knit us together in our mothers wombs. He knows the hairs of our head. From day one God has been drawing us to Him. Trying to win our hearts. And it all starts as a baby. One last thing. They are adorable. And, in my opinion, the most beautiful thing created by God.

Friday, July 10, 2009

You Were There.

The rain fell.
Slow.
Big.
Drops.
They fell. My windows were open. You were there. Calming my fluttering heart. With every drop that fell, You drew closer. Refusing to back down. Determined to get through. You know exactly what I need. Lord. Sometimes I try to stay stubborn. I try to hold my ground. But that only makes it more painful. You don't want it to be this way. But I always seem to make it happen. I always fight You. I never give in. But You are bigger than that.

You were there Lord. When I felt unseen. Invisible to those around. Wishing I could hide. Cleaning until my fingers ached. You were holding my dirty hand the whole time. You gave me joy. And a painful peace. You whispered "Just a bit longer. Your time will come. Soon." So I worked. Even harder than before.

You were there Lord. When I held that little girl tightly. Or when for a brief moment, the little boy saw me as a friend. And when she prayed to You. The most innocent and loving pray to a big and powerful creator. You saw her. And smiled with me. Child-like faith is what is asked. I could take a few lessons from these amazing children.

You were there Lord. When laughter was exchanged for the first time in weeks. A family united again. Love seemed to be sparking fires. Blazing bright. A pure love. Genuine. Unwavering. The warm embraces of cherished loved ones so unknown to me. So unimaginable. But they were real. At least for someone. I stood amazed. I'm sure You laughed. Family love like that does exist.

You were there Lord. When the room was crowded. And there was a sticky weight to the air. Surrounded on all sides. But hearing nothing. A deafening silence was ringing through my head. I was doing it again... Despite my attempts to correct my flaw. I waited. I tried not to say much. I failed. I tripped over a few sentences. And I tried to run away. But got no where new. Again. I'm sure You laughed. I know I did. Maybe Your plan is much better for me. No.. I know it is.

I seem to be stumbling through my days lately. Sporadically placing one foot in front of the other. Hoping the end of the day comes soon. But I feel You with me more than ever. I feel You carrying me. I feel You providing. Providing quiet. Peace. Joy. Love. You remind me that You are there. You are always there. You will always be there. You are going out before me. Preparing the way. And preparing hearts. You silently wait. For your wayward Daughter. While I regain my footing. While I remember those steps of confidence I used to take.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

I've Seen.

Land of the free. Home of the brave. Well. Maybe.

We, as a country, are free. But not the freedom You intended. Too many girls are slaves to the culture. Too many girls are slaves to their friends. Too many girls are slaves of their families.

I've seen girls pushed to perfection by family and friends. Only to end up broken and defeated.
I've seen girls wishing they were dead. And I've seen some who try to make it happen.
I've seen girls starving themselves to look like the girls in the magazines. And maybe catch a boys attention.
I've seen girls cut their own flesh to feel something. Anything.
I've seen girls take endless amounts of diet pills to keep her boyfriend happy. And to stop her own father from making fun of her weight.
I've seen girls start to drink at age 14 because "everyone" was doing it.
I've seen girls hide their faith to keep a few friends. I've seen those friends leave.
I've seen girls unloved by their family because her parents are caught up in their own mess.
I've seen girls who never heard I love you from their dad. And have sought other boys instead.
I've seen girls who can't look in the mirror. Afraid of what they might see.
I've seen girls feel hopelessly unbeautiful because that's how their mothers were.
I've seen girls shrivel into nothing because that's all they've ever been treated as.
I've seen girls lose all convictions and morals just to feel some sort of love. Any love. From a boy.

I know it breaks Your heart, Lord, because it's breaking mine. I was some of these girls once. Before I saw the hope in You. Now, I know some of these girls far too well. And I've seen too many like them. Land of the free? More like Land of the Captives. Lord, but You know it doesn't have to be this way. If parents would only see the weight they carry in their children's lives. Things could be different. I long for that. I pray for that.

Where are the fathers willing to openly show their love? The mothers to be a guide? Where are the willing ones? The brave ones? We are losing a generation to the slavery of culture. To the power of sin. Home of the brave? Home of the broken.

So now here we are. Land of the Captives. Home of the Broken. Lord. How did this happen? Only a mighty work from Your hand can save us. The further we slip from Land of the Free and Home of the Brave, the closer to compete destruction we get. Restore us, O Lord. Show us Your will. Show us Your way.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Grace Is Raining. Love Is Pouring.

Grace is raining. Love is pouring. From His hands. From His side. You can see it in the sky tonight. You can feel it in the breeze. He's calling now. Longing for me to draw near to Him. He wants to show Himself to me. He wants to protect me. He knows the sinful flesh I fight. He sees my struggle. He hears the cry of the godly. He saves them time and again.

Grace is raining. Love is pouring. I am a saint who sins. Not a sinner anymore. My sinful flesh rebels from time to time. And my heart breaks when it does. He has compassion. He loves me still. He isn't disappointed. He isn't angry. It's my own guilt that gets in between us. His thoughts of me never change. No matter what I do. He is sees me as His daughter. His treasure. His delight. He sees me as holy and blameless. So that is what I am. I am who He sees me as. That's who I am. My thoughts of me mean nothing. Others thoughts of me mean nothing. All that matters is who He sees me as.

Grace is raining. Love is pouring. He has conquered sin. And the power of sin. It has lost it's grip on me. I can say no. I can choose Him. I can love Him more. I can show the power of Christ. Be a light. Be an example. Show love. No worries in life. No fear in death. He is with me. Shoulder to shoulder. And face to face.

Grace is raining. Love is pouring.