Release.

Oh the warmth of your love. Surrounding. Overwhelming my fears and even the deepest of my pain.

The pain is all my own doing. And God gently allows the pain to hit me. He promises me that I'll grow from it. He promises that it's for good, not disaster. But it's still painful. And it's a deep pain that I stubbornly keep grasping tightly with weak white knuckles. My hands keep holding tight while my heart screams, "Let it go. Let. It. Go." But it seems my stubborn grasp grows tighter. So tight that I know that letting go will cause pain as lift flows back to my white knuckles. My white, fragile, lifeless hands.

I know what I need to do. And, oh, the joy to follow. But I've spent so long holding on that it seems almost impossible to release what I clutch so dearly. Good thing you are in the business of doing seemingly impossible things. You whisper lightly in my ear, "My love is enough. My strength is enough. My blood is enough." You words weigh the air and sink down into the depths of my heart. I slowly start to feel the heavy, relentless pressure releasing. But my grasp is still holding strong.

But you, you never back down. Boldly you continue to speak your words of love to me. You passionately say, "I love you. More than you can ever know. Stop fighting The One who lost his very life for you." Slowly, one finger makes the brave move. it slowly releases and gracefully floats away from it's prized possession. You push on. Confidently you say, "Just trust me. You've done it with everything else... Why not this? This one little thing." Two. Another finger liberates it's captive. The pain of letting go is beginning to arise. The hardest part is about to hit. But you are still there. Patiently waiting. Like you always seem to do with me. This time you you're serious. You say, "It's going to be worth all the pain. Give it to me. I'll give you back something greater. I promise." The pain of walking away from past dreams is welling up now. My flesh wants this to happen the way I dreamed it to always be. My flesh is fighting harder for this than I ever though it would. This is my last dream I've tried to keep hidden away from you for so long. I had the foolish hope that you would forget about it. The foolish hope that maybe for once I knew better than The One who knows all. My flesh craves it's own way. But you know better. You always do. With a quick bolt of pain, I let it go. I allow your love to break me. Now you are calling me to draw near to you. You are my strength. You are my peace. You are my hope.

Gradually, I feel the warm flow of new blood begin to move in and out of the corners of my heart. It finds the places I thought were closed for eternity. As my heart begins to beat, life is renewed with every slow and painful pulse. With a heart full of reborn dreams, I take a step. And slow but steady step. And then a breath. A deep, filling breath of new air. Crisp air. I begin to step with boldness only explained by the power and love of Christ. Maybe it will happen. Maybe it won't. Maybe I'm not supposed to know. Maybe God has already given me a family of my own. Or maybe I'm just supposed to keep running this race God has set before me. And I will keep running it with borrowed strength from The One I choose to chase. The last desire I clung so tightly to, Lord, it's yours.